{"id":37897,"date":"2020-03-24T14:08:02","date_gmt":"2020-03-24T13:08:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/foreignrights.debezigebij.nl\/?page_id=37897"},"modified":"2020-03-24T14:09:03","modified_gmt":"2020-03-24T13:09:03","slug":"sample-translation-day-night-still-light","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/foreignrights.debezigebij.nl\/foreignrights\/authors\/sytske-van-koeveringe\/sytske-van-koeveringe-day-night-still-light\/sample-translation-day-night-still-light\/","title":{"rendered":"Sample translation – Day Night Still Light<\/em>"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sytske Frederika van Koeveringe – Day Night Still Light<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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[Pages 167-168]<\/strong><\/p>\n

What\u2019s your outlook on life?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Is the glass half-empty or half-full?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I hope you don\u2019t mind me saying this: you guys breed like a family of rabbits. But for convenience sake I will address the leader \u2013 all families tend to have an unofficial representative<\/p>\n

Now that I know that for several years (!) you\u2019ve been if not in<\/em> my milk ducts then certainly rubbing up against them, it strikes me as a pretty urgent question<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why in the right? Did you know that the left is my favourite side? And if you were so acutely aware of my aversion to the right, then why not wreak havoc in all right-wing political parties?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Do you get bad mood swings?<\/p>\n

What part of the day do you like best?<\/p>\n

I have a feeling that you possess a certain cheerfulness and poise 24\/7<\/p>\n

A kind of strength<\/p>\n

Power<\/p>\n

Over my flow of emotions<\/p>\n

I reckon you\u2019re pretty intense at the best of times<\/p>\n

Not average or superficial<\/p>\n

Like those people who think everything\u2019s so-so: who are courteous, who want to do the right thing, want to be liked to avoid confrontation<\/p>\n

Yes, when you\u2019re here, you really are here<\/p>\n

No half measures for you, I appreciate that about you<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By the way, have you ever noticed all the polite laughter?<\/p>\n

How is it that this kind of behaviour, this attitude has become the norm?<\/p>\n

On the other side<\/p>\n

There\u2019s always a one side, and an other side<\/p>\n

And probably a sideways<\/p>\n

And an aside<\/p>\n

and so on and so forth<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

[Pages 180 – 183]<\/strong><\/p>\n

What do you make of my oncologist? She\u2019s nice, isn\u2019t she? If it hadn\u2019t been for you, I\u2019d never have met her, I wouldn\u2019t even have known that an oncologist specialises in tumours, in cancer, in you<\/p>\n

The term comes from the ancient Greek onkos<\/em>, meaning mass <\/em>or tumour <\/em><\/p>\n

The suffix -logy <\/em>means study <\/em>or knowledge<\/em><\/p>\n

It never ceases to amaze me that here too the Greeks were the first<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After I\u2019m informed of the course of treatment \u2013 chemo, surgery, radiotherapy every working day for four weeks \u2013 I get a phone call from my oncologist in the afternoon. She\u2019d promised to look into my risk of infertility, should I want a child in the future.<\/p>\n

You may have noticed, but if you\u2019re a young woman and you say you don\u2019t want children, there\u2019ll always be someone who counters with: \u2018You\u2019ll change your mind. Or: \u2018You\u2019ll change your mind, you\u2019re still young.\u2019<\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t guarantee 100 per cent fertility after the chemotherapy, but certainly no less than 50 per cent. Her exact words are: we don\u2019t know, but hey, we obviously don\u2019t admit to that.<\/p>\n

Before she hangs up I ask her about the last time she laughed.<\/p>\n

\u2018Hm.\u2019 She asks why I want to know, so I tell her about my little project. And I also say something along the lines of: \u2018I understand if you prefer not to answer. After all, it\u2019s got nothing to do with any of this.\u2019<\/p>\n

At the same time I wonder why on earth people say so many things they actually have no intention of saying.<\/p>\n

\u2018This afternoon during my lunch break: a colleague showed me a clip of her cat which had hidden behind a cabinet and suddenly jumped out.\u2019<\/p>\n

She sounds sweet, and she looks it too. When I see her, I feel like cuddling. Some people have that effect.<\/p>\n

All is quiet for a moment. She says I should have seen it, because of the type of cat as well. A pedigree cat or something, except the size of a baby.<\/p>\n

Those weren\u2019t her literal words, her vocabulary is better, more detached, more thoughtful.<\/p>\n

I think of the expression \u2018You should have been there\u2019, which is so true and yet so irritating. I smile at her apparent shyness. When I ask what laughter means to her, she immediately replies, \u2018relaxation\u2019, as if she was waiting for it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u25a1<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Do you think I\u2019ll ever fall in love again?<\/p>\n

That I\u2019ll have the guts to surrender to the concept of love?<\/p>\n

Are you familiar with the notion, or is this \u2013 inhabiting someone\u2019s body \u2013 your way of showing love?<\/p>\n

In that case you\u2019re doing a good job<\/p>\n

Lots of women get breast cancer \u2013 I\u2019m still not mentioning figures<\/p>\n

And their number is increasing, according to The Breast Cancer Book<\/em><\/p>\n

Every year a shocking number of young people are told they\u2019re up against you<\/p>\n

Not to mention all the adults and the other types of cancer<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Occasionally someone asks if I\u2019m not sorry I\u2019m not with someone<\/p>\n

But to be honest, this is the first time I\u2019m genuinely pleased that I\u2019m not in a relationship right now. That I\u2019m not accountable to anyone, that I\u2019m free from hassle or tortuous conversations, that I can focus on my health without additional stress \u2013 apparently these are the keywords that pop into my head when I think about love haha<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And what about sex: will I be having good sex again?<\/p>\n

One-night stands or what I call snack sex<\/p>\n

Do you think that when there\u2019s a giant scar across my chest, I\u2019ll disrobe just as easily as before?<\/p>\n

Easily as in: without being ashamed of my body<\/p>\n

Or will you be sabotaging things with awkward moments and discomfort?<\/p>\n

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[Page 188]<\/strong><\/p>\n

My psyche \u2013 will you be leaving it in peace in due course?<\/p>\n

Or will you always torment me like you do now: whenever I make eye contact with someone, I immediately look down at the ground: don\u2019t look at me, I\u2019m dirty on the inside.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m ill.<\/p>\n

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[Page 213 – 219]<\/strong><\/p>\n

MORE QUESTIONS: How to handle all these shocked reactions? Again, not on the website. How to react to other people\u2019s distress and worry? Would you mind telling everybody around me that it\u2019s not that bad, or just tell them that in time they\u2019ll have their own ailments to contend with. Sooner or later, everybody will have health issues. Or do I see what I want to see, am I reflecting my own powerlessness? Ever stopped to think how smart a body is? When you\u2019re eating an apple and you eat the small sticker by mistake, you automatically spit it out? Isn\u2019t that amazing?<\/p>\n

People ask: \u2018Is there anything I can do for you?\u2019 But what can someone else do when I myself don\u2019t even know what to do? All I can do \u2013 I can think of \u2013 is to somehow or other embrace you, accept that you\u2019re here. That you\u2019re part of me, and I\u2019m a part of you. How?\u00a0 Well, I was hoping you\u2019d tell me that.<\/p>\n

What to do when you\u2019re having so many nightmares that you\u2019re afraid to go to sleep? What to eat when your appetite is totally ruined? And drink: water has a chemical taste \u2013 I want to know where the water comes from, I want to see all the pipes in my house with my own eyes to make sure that the tap water is clean \u2013 and the less said about anything containing sugar or other sweeteners the better.<\/p>\n

How am I supposed to relate to you in front of others? Am I allowed to talk about you, or should I give you the silent treatment? Sometimes I\u2019ll bump into a casual acquaintance: \u2018Hey, are you doing all right?\u2019 Should I say \u2018yes\u2019 or \u2018no\u2019?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t even know if I\u2019m doing all right or not. I could simply repeat the question, but that\u2019s so banal. And while I\u2019m at it, should I email my landlord to say that he has a cancer patient living under his roof? Sometimes he turns up on the doorstep unannounced.<\/p>\n

In fact, I want to yell that you\u2019re here without mentioning you, do you know what I mean?<\/p>\n

By the way, do you happen to know why all the series on Netflix have the same colour balance? As if they\u2019re all using the same filter. Or can my eyes only make out the vintage look? The same for NPO. Do you think that colour and hues change over time? What\u2019s your experience of time like anyway? Have you read Kairos<\/em>, by Joke J. Hermsen? I suspect that you tend to muddle up different perceptions of time. Catapulting me from one side of a room to another as it were. Kairos, chronos, kairos, chronos.<\/p>\n

Do you think my preoccupation with death will eventually tail off? How come you\u2019re so routinely linked to death? Is it an ingrained belief or pure ignorance?<\/p>\n

Where do fruit flies come from and why are they in my house in winter? They\u2019ve been in the bathroom lately \u2013 no sign of fruit in there.<\/p>\n

Have people died of chemotherapy? Or perished before the treatment even started? Not because you\u2019re that big, but from the shock. Or from all the attention lavished on them. Is it possible to die of too much interaction? What about the comment: \u2018I don\u2019t mean it like that\u2019? What to make of it?<\/p>\n

If I were to call off the treatment, how soon would I die? Right now you\u2019re hurting \u2013 I can\u2019t lie on my stomach \u2013 but if I don\u2019t have it treated, will you grow so big that I won\u2019t be able to pick anything off the floor? That I won\u2019t have big breasts but a big tumour \u2013 humour \u2013 hah!<\/p>\n

By the way, who decides whether something is negative or whether one is merely critical? Don\u2019t you think the two are often confused?<\/p>\n

Also, should I be specifying which items I\u2019m going to leave to whom, or not? I just want to make sure my sixty-two diaries are safe \u2013 how does that work? And the cremation, the music: should I make those decisions now or am I dead already?<\/p>\n

In The Road to Damascus <\/em>August Strindberg wonders whether the living may be damned already, our only certainties are birth and death. The time in-between is merely<\/p>\n

waiting time. You decide what to do in the meantime. Meantime, in-between time.<\/p>\n

Are all these people dead<\/em>? <\/em>the He in The Road to Damascus <\/em>asks.<\/p>\n

Can one be dead, without suspecting it? <\/em>To which the answer is:<\/p>\n

The dead maintain that they don’t know the difference<\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n

That\u2019s so sick: maybe the whole lot of us are dead already?! My desk, my plants, my laptop, these letters, none of it exists!? Day Night Light Still <\/em>doesn\u2019t exist. I\u2019m working on air. My existence: air!?<\/p>\n

What?<\/p>\n

You\u2019re telling me to stop being stupid, aren\u2019t you? But how is it possible that literature, philosophy, art and faith are all about life and death? Are my questions beginning to irritate you? Asking questions is essentially the same as laughing: cracking open.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m reading I Still Have Not Told the Garden<\/em> by Pia Pera. She writes that since her illness she has begun to notice just how pervasive the subject of life and death is. Strange how often we talk about illness and death. The topic seems to dominate, or am I having these experiences, these conversations because of my condition? Nonetheless, I have the impression that books, films, that everything revolves around this theme.<\/em><\/p>\n

I recognise this, but I\u2019m sorry it\u2019s happening now and not around, let\u2019s say, my eightieth. Until recently I never saw any sick people. Now all I see are people without arms or legs, I see people in wheelchairs, with walking frames, people with crutches, with other applicances, I see women wearing too much make-up, bitter looking men, children, teenagers, no, even people my own age acting much older than their years, people endlessly scrolling on their smartphone, I see smoking, coughing, pale, hacking, limping people and men with a wee bag strapped to their leg. I hear conversations about the weather, about the children of friends, as well as wheezing breath. Oh man, sick people everywhere. What kind of bubble did I live in before?<\/p>\n

Do you happen to know whether birds have a sense of smell? This afternoon<\/p>\n

I was eating a sandwich in my favourite spot outside and when I opened my bag all these pigeons, crows and gulls came flying. Sandwich finished, birds gone. And I\u2019m not feeding them, you know! Immanuel Kant or Friedrich Nietzsche also explored the subject of laughter. I ought to look into this, but reading is difficult: my eyes hurt and I can\u2019t get my head round their language right now. Do you know anyone who\u2019d want to give me private philosophy lessons? And who\u2019d teach me mnemonics too: I tend to confuse all these philosophers. Yes, please arrange that for me, it\u2019s the least you could do for me.<\/p>\n

And hey: do you know why it is that \u2013 given all the literature there is \u2013 relatively little is written about you? I\u2019m talking about good literature here: profound, imaginative, bold, playful, something with great language, rhythm and beauty and something I can learn from.<\/p>\n

Susan Sontag says that poetry about cancer is too intense for the reader. What if it is, then aren\u2019t you effectively maintaining the distance between patient and the rest? Are we supposed to pretend it\u2019s not happening instead?<\/p>\n

Sure, there are books by former cancer patients and by the loved ones of cancer patients. But these are stories told with hindsight. Never during, in the here and now, and besides: there\u2019s always a partner attached to the patient. A love, and then suddenly love takes over the story. Then again, finger up the arse.<\/p>\n

Did you know that many men enjoy receiving a finger up the arse as they climax? This baffles me \u2013 I mean, not the actual fact, more the secrecy surrounding it: the fact that men don\u2019t mention it or even joke about it, while also wanting it. They don\u2019t tell their partner, but visit prostitutes instead! Which makes me wonder: the climate\u2019s going to hell and yet you\u2019re creating a taboo about a finger up your arse.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re gone at some point \u2013 I\u2019m counting on it \u2013 do you promise not to come back? I don\u2019t want to spend my whole life living in fear, fear of a second attack.<\/p>\n

That you\u2019re the kind of person you make a point of not inviting to parties, but who turns up anyway and overstays their welcome.<\/p>\n

Right, one more question: do you happen to have any ideas for dinner tonight?<\/p>\n

I really can\u2019t be bothered to cook.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Translated by Laura Vroomen<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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